So Chic, Very Chic: The Worst Outfit on Bravo Ever
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
How long does it take to forgive a television show for having its worst season ever?
I’ve been mulling this quandary for a few weeks now, in light of rather dismal ends to The Real Housewives of New Jersey and the upcoming finale of The Real Housewives of Dubai. Both had, by my own estimation, the very worst seasons I’ve seen in recent memory. That’s an achievement, considering the abrupt end of The Real Housewives of Dallas a few years back, and those pandemic seasons of The Real Housewives of New York.
If I were to pinpoint what exactly filled me with such loathing, I’d say it was a myriad of factors: poor cast compositions, lackluster fashions, and most importantly, drama that ended with very little resolution. To be clear, I don’t need each season of these shows to end with tidy Christmas gift-wrapping and a sparkling gold bow, but I would like to believe there is enough internal momentum to propel another season. Neither franchise seems to have the juice at the moment!
The Real Housewives of Dubai, the more recent example, is tough to pin down especially. The cast certainly needs an overhaul, but I’m not sure that’s all I need from it. Problems on that show run much deeper, down to the blood-soaked foundation of Dubai itself. A city built on so many overlapping restrictions and abuses, one can practically feel the circus routine performed by producers and editors just to string along a coherent plotline, careful to duck and dodge and spin and flip around the many obstacles in their path. That, and Chanel Ayan is the only one who can consistently put together a compelling outfit.
We’re still some weeks out from the reunion’s conclusion though, so let’s work with what we have in the meantime. Shall we?
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Tamra Judge
I’d like to start with effusive praise for Tamra’s casual separates this season. They’re not particularly notable, but they are cozy and have put me in the mood for a proper season change. Of course, Labor Day hasn’t rolled around quite yet, and I still find myself rolling around the Jersey Shore most weekends. But the weather finally dipped into the 70s this week! I’m in the mood for a sweater bigger than a diesel truck, puffy jackets, knitwear and anachronistically themed beverages at the local coffee shop.
I’m also quite tickled at these glasses she wore to lecture a friend about something she herself has done. They’re not quite trendy, but not quite retro either. They seemed pulled from another universe, wholly removed from the fashion cycle in a timeline all their own. What exactly are they gesturing at? Those rectangular Prada glasses we’re all wearing? Cat eyes? Wire rimmed aviators? No matter, really. Every woman needs a befuddling pair of shades and a big pink sweater. Call it “just girly things” for people who pay for accountants.
There was chatter on the blogs about this confessional, with some calling it the “worst” look anyone has ever worn on this show. That’s surely a lie, and probably based mostly on Bravo viewer’s misogyny. Oh no! A woman over-50 showed her arms and shoulders on television. Let’s crucify her for not dressing like a matron.
Really, the actual problem with this look is its attempt to deconstruct formalwear through the prism of mid-luxury California retail. Check the corsage bracelet, and the fact the collar bleeds into a tie knot. It’s like a Moschino parody of Chanel went horribly awry in the design process.
Gina Kirschenheiter
Now, if we’re talking the actual worst outfits on Bravo, this is surely a contender! I am genuinely perplexed at every step of this styling and design process. The waxed denim corset dress with the awkwardly placed middle seams and flat breast cups. The 47 chain necklaces. The deep side part with the bumped ends and four inches of height on the head. What exactly did they want for her when all was said and done? It’s like if one could buy a Donatella Versace costume at Party City, but the designer was 12 years old and without internet access, and the only advice on what Donatella looked like was “tight dresses, blonde and gold.” The whole thing is quite spooky! Every time I look at it, I find something else that causes me to scream laugh, and then start crying.
All in, it’s a tough week for Gina. At dinner later, she wore a rather normal dress with mesh lining, and that’s fine. We all wear black dresses with mesh lining. The real issue here is the “Christian Girl Autumn” coat that’s been refracted through a keyword search about Renaissance tour outfit ideas. We’ll never be free of that cursed fashion affair! Like, this is a coat we usually see in camel wool, or white polyester, but never champagne-ish metallics. I’m haunted!
Shannon Beador
Speaking of Chanel, here is the 12-year-old granddaughter of Karl Lagerfeld’s most dedicated client in Laguna Beach, California. I mean, doesn’t she look like a girl named Susie out for a big day at church with her favorite grandparents? Her parents, spies or government assets, died mysteriously when she was a baby. After being taken in by her grandparents, she found herself spoiled beyond belief, although nothing can fill the dark void in her heart where a mother’s love should be. That is until one night in her grandfather’s study, she discovers a secret hidden bookcase, a stash of treasure and secrets that point to one thing: Her parents are alive. They’re out there, and they need help. But how will she sneak out before she’s shipped off to boarding school in the morning?
The Real Housewives of Dubai
Caroline Stanbury
There is so much, and so little, to say about Caroline Stanbury’s style evolution over the last decade. When Bravo viewers first met her, she was a posh, upper-crust dilettante and aristocratic hanger-on, always lamenting the poor manners and bad graces of her American friends in London. She was spoiled, jaded and deeply invested in what a British lady with too much money should look like.
In her second appearance on the network though, she’s transformed into an international party girl with skin to spare and an excessively younger boyfriend. No judgement, of course. British high society is largely ridiculous and overly strict, but I do find it fun to watch what a mid-life crisis not predicated on masculinity, sports cars and Instagram models. I mean that! Her whole demeanor is quite delightful to witness, if only because it is diametrically opposed to everything the Caroline of yesteryear stood for. That old Caroline would never be caught dead in this dress or hairdo, and neither would I! This new one is all about cutouts, tiaras and dildo parties.
Chanel Ayan
For their last big hurrah in Bali, Ayan stepped out like a queen from a fantasy novel about an advanced society of wizards on another planet. This is not shade, to be clear. I think she looks extremely cool, and I’ve spent more than a few minutes zoomed in on the beadwork along the shoulder pads and bust, intricately placed through the labor of ateliers more skilled at their craft than I will ever be at basically anything. The crown is, for once, a nice touch because it leans into the costumier aspects of the design.
For all the time she spends dolled up, Ayan does natural glamor quite effectively. This dress was a pleasant enough color, but I mostly have eyes for the buttery smooth makeup. Look at that eyeliner! And the soft blush application. Has there ever been a more beautiful housewife on television?
Some Lady
Our Lady in Red here is a friend of whose name I can’t be bothered to remember at this point, as this dreary season trundles toward an early grave. But there are some things I’d like to point out, before it wraps up and I — blissfully and by the very grace of God — don’t have to talk about it for another year. First, if one is going to wear illusion lace on television, for modesty, construction or otherwise, please don’t let it bunch and fold and wrap around itself. It’s a sign the dress doesn’t fit. These women spend too much money on the way they look for the dresses not to fit!
The red lip is, while a nice touch, a bit much in conjunction with the blood red stones and embellished trim. If Chanel is some future-fantasy queen, this lady here is a courtier scheming with the evil wizard consort of the palace to bring back the Dark Lord from the dead and usher in a 1000 years of bloodshed, chaos and confusion. I mean, typical fantasy villain shit but at least make the dress fit!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/ NBCUniversal Media, LLC
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal. How long does it take to forgive a…