So Chic, Very Chic: ‘The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Premieres
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
Angie Katsanevas, I know you’re reading this! Hi, sister!
The Queen of Greece and her cabal of emotionally unstable Mormon castoffs have returned for another season of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Against all odds, the show has risen to be Bravo’s premiere television event each year, spawning numerous cultural moments and international scandals that have rocked Bravo-holiday and the criminal justice system alike.
To celebrate its long awaited return, I’ve chosen to skip over all other shows this week, since there’s just too many fashion to get through in this wacky season premiere. Archival Moschino, Rihanna, ugly necklaces, another fuck-ass bob on Whitney Rose — it’s officially the happiest time of year!
Normally, I make the cold open of these columns a roundabout joke about my week, or current events, but let’s not waste any more time on pretense. Angie Katsanevas is a busy woman! Her assistant grows bored of reading this to her.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Angie Katsanevas
To honor her heritage, Angie stepped out for her first confessional in blue. Before I say something snarky that will dry up the heart and kiss emojis she leaves in my DMs periodically, I’d like to say she looks ever radiant. The glam is exactly what I’d expect, and the dress fits her quite beautifully.
That said, a deep side part with this much hair is a bit tough to swallow, as is the blue eyeshadow, or the cold shoulder on this velvet number. The high collar is quite interesting, but I wish she’d opted for a less done-up hairstyle. With everything gathered to the side just so it throws off the silhouette. Both fabric and fit seem heavier than they should be for what is otherwise a sleek little number.
Thankfully, it wasn’t all tough this week. Despite the fickleness of hair tendrils, I find this quite flattering on mother! I think there’s a slight bagginess to the suit jacket that wouldn’t read so obvious when standing up, so I’m brushing it aside, because this is 100 percent the correct color. I even like the bedazzled collar because of its silliness, not in spite of it!
Were I to give notes overall, I think the makeup artist needs to triangulate a better brow shape, as it lifts her face a bit too much on camera. Perhaps longer and not so arched?
Mary Cosby
Mary Cosby is back as a full-time cast member on this show, despite everything. I can’t say I’m pleased to see her come crawling back to relevance, but at the very least, she’s finally clocked in to work. That first confessional look is divine, befitting her own pre-ordained status as god to her congregation. It’s like something the holy mother would wear in a fantasy book about a church that uses human sacrifice to live forever. Before long, a young ragtag group of adventurers find an enchanted sword that talks while lost in the fairy realm, eventually leading a revolution that overthrows the evil overlords plaguing the humble people of Fantasylandia.
Her commitment to Dolce & Gabbana is also something special. I think she and those wicked Italian demons would queen out, should they ever cross paths in person. The coat itself is funny in context, but the Birkin and chain link gloves elevate the ensemble to pure comedy. She’s like Moira Rose come to life.
As for her more utilitarian confessional look, it’s serviceable! I find her caramel highlights quite distracting most of the time, but the real star of the show is the odd reflection where her nipples are. I can’t stop looking at them! They’re literally the only thing to look at, once you notice the phenomenon!
Bronwyn Newport
A new fashionista has breached the Salt Lake City Mormon Autonomous Zone! Red is quite the color on her and the Moschino coat she wears to Lisa’s sponsored “BESOS” party. On the topic of Moschino ,and Saint Laurent, it’s interesting to see Rihanna get roped into the conversation in this specific way. Bronwyn here mentioned she has one of three in the world (the others being Rihanna and a museum somewhere). I’m not interested in fact checking that, but I certainly believes she thinks she does, and that’s enough for me at the moment.
Do I like the execution, all things considered? I’m not quite sure. With couture clients like Bronwyn, there’s a delicate balance between wearing couture and couture wearing you. It’s a problem seen across much of the modern housewives, (Sutton Stracke and Chanel Ayan come to mind immediately) and Bronwyn continues that legacy. It’s certainly a look, as is her confessional, but the execution reads quite poorly. It might be that Bravo cameras bring an air of tackiness that one has to lean into, or it might be that she hasn’t quite figured out how to put herself together for television. I’m willing to give her more time! Look how my love for Angie Katsanevas developed in this very column.
Speaking of Dolce & Gabbana, here comes Bronwyn in a matching quilted set in the freezing Utah winter. Love and light to everyone involved, but she could have kept this one in the drafts! At least wear sheer tights for the big fashion moment, which is both appropriate for the look and would have helped it not read like a bad Netflix scripted comedy show joke about what rich people wear. The coat is fun, sure, but was it worth the humiliation of strolling into the poor Utah imitation of a Soho House in hot pants, a bra and block heels?
Lisa Barlow
If there’s one thing I enjoy about Lisa Barlow — and there’s a few, to be clear — it’s that she doesn’t pretend to be anything other than a chic bitch in little black dresses. While her cast grows increasingly bizarre with their day-to-day fashion choices, she stays in a sheath dress and sensible heels, occasionally a blazer. My favorite hallmark of her style, though, is the jewelry in multiple tones. She cares more about flaunting her wealth than silly fashion rules! That’s true rich bitch shenanigans.
Heather Gay
Dear Heather, you can buy a whole new personality and face, but sadly, taste is acquired! My favorite moment from the episode was Bronwyn’s diabolical comment, when asked, about how Heather here is not in Moschino. “This is Moschino,” she says, pointing to her coat. The look on her face when pointed at Heather says everything. “That is latex.”
For some indeterminable reason, Heather thought the party had a costume element, and so she wore this dress with little latex hearts all over it. The attempt should at least receive minor applause, because she finally showed up to The Real Housewives of Fuck Ass Fashion with some fuck ass fashion on, but at what cost! The toll on my psyche was too great to be worth the effort.
I almost wrote a two hundred word manifesto about what I believed to be a pink dress with a nasty neckline, like the bulgogi before I fry it at the Korean BBQ spot. Almost, keyword, because then I discovered this is actually a top, of all things. Some things can be forgiven. Wearing this top cannot.
Whitney Rose
Whitney Rose’s war on her hairline continues this season with multiple iterations of a now-classic ‘do for Salt Lake City’s premiere Chicken Little impersonator. The sky is falling, and so is the property value in her new neighborhood, after neighbors spot her and Justin doing tantric sex yoga body painting in the jacuzzi. (Perhaps I’m wrong! I just finished The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, and they get up to some freaky shit in that state.)
This post-Mugler body con dress is a new look for Whitney, so I’m clapping. This rose petal dress with her oversized fur coat and hot pink lipstick is not, so I rescind the honors. Never change, my wild rose!
What an episode! This season promises extravagance and tackiness in equal measures, the whole thing set up like yet another murder mystery. When do we put Bravo editors to the question for their increasingly bizarre habits? No matter, I guess. I’ll leave you all with this shot of Tweedle-Dolce and Tweedle-Gabanna. Until next week!
Photos courtesy of NBCUniversal/Bravo
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal. Angie Katsanevas, I know you’re reading this! Hi,…