So Chic, Very Chic: ‘The Real Housewives of New York City’ Is Back
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
I am untethered by the ties that bind me to the past. I do not yearn for what was. I have unshackled the chains of nostalgia. This is the mantra I chanted to myself this morning at my desk, preparing to write literally a single sentence about The Real Housewives of New York City premiere.
The hotly debated sequel series to the once beloved Bravo flagship is back for its second season. The entirety of the new cast is back, including my girl Brynn Whitfield, the Miss Piggy of reality television and the shining star of the bunch. Don’t tell the internet that, though, since they’re still fighting about Ramona Singer’s ability to be a Trumpian fool on national television, or Dorinda Medley and Sonja Morgan’s mutual right to their unhealed relationships with alcohol or divorce.
Jenna Lyons is another interesting fixation of mine, despite what that same internet crowd has to say of her: A bore! A snooze! Not that famous or powerful or talented or interesting! Yet they’re still shopping the designs she pioneered throughout her fashion in the most downmarket bins of the retail industry. Jessel Taank is still as clueless as ever, this episode tackling the important questions that plague the modern New York socialite: What is a Metrocard? Why does Jenna Lyons not wear deodorant in public? (God bless her, and she’s a PAPER star at that!)
This being the premiere and all, I figured we’d better give these women an entire column of nasty, no-good reads. That’s how gay people say congratulations in our native tongues, Bitchiness and Cuntessary. Shall we?
The Real Housewives of New York
Brynn Whitfield
Officer! She’s back in another set of minis and big hairdos! The one and only Brynn Whitfield is a woman I recently had the pleasure of getting drunk with for a few hours (stay tuned for that), and I’m happy to report she is as delightfully charming in person as on TV. Quick witted, almost too-honest at times, and most of all, funny! Her sense of humor, or even style, seems to grate at the type of gay man known to tweet overly long screeds about how women killed gay bars. Thankfully, those sorts don’t go outside much either, which leaves more room for Whitfield to trounce about in too-tight dresses with her massive hair flowing all about.
The looks are simple, sure. But in an age where the average Real Housewives star hires a two-bit Cindy Lou Who to style her confessionals, I appreciate that her style is unfazed by the cameras. She told me as much, even, slightly tipsy at a West Village Italian eatery.
And besides, that hair! I mean, come the fuck on. My only real note would be to the editors: This odd, yellow color grading makes these women look like they’re in a bad Showtime drama from the mid-aughts.
I’ll pepper these transition looks throughout the season, starting with this mass of feathers and beads. We’re all well-aware of my thoughts on ostrich feathers, and I’m happy to report this dress has been spared my inconsequential wrath. She looks radiant! The neckline is perfect with her bust, and the accessorizing is just right for the amount of focus the dress pulls.
Jenna Lyons
In our aforementioned conversation, Brynn told me an anecdote about finding Jenna in bed feeding french fries to her dog. If that’s not the most fab thing one has ever heard, then please, God, leave the glamor posting to those of us that really understand what the fuck is up. The woman loves an indoor sunglasses moment just about as much as she loves a bomber jacket and jogger pant combo. I’m all about it! I also dress like this essentially most of the time, and it’s why I have this job watching her on TV for a living.
We also got two wow-factor confessionals from her. And one of them is Simone Rocha! The utilitarian workwear look in the first is classic Jenna Lyons, and a look that at one point most women in certain segments of America tried to emulate. Chic, eye catching and with just enough small details to elevate the otherwise plain fabrics like that collar chain and the tie! As for the Simone Rocha top, she wears a similar look from the collection later, and I’m quite the fan of both. Here, the glasses make it singularly Lyons, as does the down-played styling: a casual side part, simple earrings, a skinny watch and a more neutral face of makeup. It’s quite the lesson in wearing clothes and not letting them wear you.
In that exact same vein, she’s pulled this pink dress from the same collection. The red ribbon — a standout detail from the season — comes into the play the same way her glasses did in the previous look. And just like that previous look, she opts for the same neutral styling. An otherwise bare face of makeup, plain wrist wear and casual hair. Incredible! This is what I want to see.
Jessel Taank
Now that we’ve got the compliments out the way, let’s move on to Jessel. The Tribeca spokeswoman is in this baffling top that defies all common sense. It doesn’t help that the yellow filter over the footage gives it an almost nude-illusion effect that makes her look like an unmemorable panel in a Junjo Ito horror manga. And the rings! My god, take one thing off and then ruffle the hair a bit. The entire thing needs some room to breathe.
This is more my speed! I believe her entire look is Norma Kamali, from the trench to the catsuit to the brown leather corset just out of frame. (I know this because I frequently shop her sale section at that time of the year.) She looks chic and fab, which is about as much as we can expect from her at this stage.
Ubah Hassan
Speaking of chic and fab, here’s an example of the same woman succeeding and failing at both. The first look is simply dreadful, purely because that top has driven it over the metaphorical cliff. Her hair and makeup? Exquisite. But my god, if this is the only time I’m forced to look at that cropped faux-suit jacket with crystal trim, it will still be too many times!
Then we have the accompanying look from the same scene in real-time, which is a nice bit of color-blocking: modest blazer and contrasting undershirt with a silk scarf and a nice pop of green at the ears. The matching purse might read tacky, but it works here in totality! Kudos, Ubah.
Erin Lichy
Erin is the sort of woman who brings out a side of myself that I really, really, really do not enjoy. I find myself saying things like, “You must be fucking joking,” or, “Get a fucking grip,” or, “Jesus fucking christ.” Maybe it’s the silver spoon she keeps in her mouth when she speaks, the quiet air of desperation or this exact dye job. I’m not sure, and I’m loath to admit it at all, knowing she has this power over me. But also, it’s the fashion!
To her credit, the filter over the confessionals causes the hair to blend into the skin into the background, highlighting just how much I hate said fashion. I mean, not even the Bravo fashion sleuth websites care enough about that second look to tell me whether it’s a sleeveless blazer or a vest. Bad either way!
And just because I feel I’ve been overly harsh, she looks incredibly hot here, shortly before the party explodes. I’m normally averse to wet-hair effects, but this tousled mane is fab with the smoky eyes and carved out cheekbones.
Sai De Silva
Here’s another high and a low! Sai is not particularly known on this show for her sense of style, so I’d like to commend her for being more adventurous with her looks this season! The off-the-shoulder number with the prominent bust and big hair is a fan-favorite here at PAPER. Just check out our recent Sabrina Carpenter cover! We love a bombshell with some pussy bows.
As for the molded corset and hair wrap, I find it slightly less successful. Whether it’s the disconnect between the exposed ponytail, dark wrap and shiny corset, the relative lack of prominent accessorizing or the metallic lipstick, it’s just a bit disjointed! Again though, I think she’s bravely stepped out on a limb. Whether or not it will break remains to be seen.
Raquel Chevremont
Raquel, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that you filmed this quite a while ago and time has moved on since then and so many people have worn this Rick Owens prong dress that we couldn’t even hope to fit them all in Times Square. It’s just too much at this point! I see a bandage dress and black out coming two hours later in a hospital bed, where the doctor has diagnosed me with severe blunt force trauma to the skull. The impact, I’m told, from the prong dress hitting me squarely on the forehead.
She bills herself as an art world power player and TV set stylist: both cool jobs I’m glad to see represented on television by a queer woman. The second, at that, on this particular show! Her second look is a bit more my speed, specifically those earrings, and the way she incorporates a hint of color in an otherwise smoky eye.
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal. I am untethered by the ties that bind…