Fashion Month: We’re All Just Faking It (According to Linux)
This is What You Missed Last Month (According To Linux), in which nightlife it-girl Linux takes us behind the velvet rope and into the VIP section of Scene-City. Through her extreme (sometimes exaggerated) lens, Linux gives us the tea on what really happened at every party-of-the-century that floods our Instagram feeds. (A note from the author: don’t take what she says too seriously — she’s just a club kid after all).
With Fashion Month finally coming to an end, it’s time we digest the trauma that the month of September dumped upon us. Fashion Week descends upon New York City and other industry hot-spots biannually, presenting its residents with quite the dilemma: should we delete Instagram to safeguard our sanity, or pop on our ready-to-wear clown noses and join the circus? (Spoiler alert: I’m the ringleader!)
As a long-time New Yorker and self-proclaimed downtown it-girl, I have covered nearly five Fashion Weeks for PAPER over the past few years, from New York to Paris, chronicling exclusive soirées and the intoxicated guests who crashed them, allowing you, my nosey little readers, to feel as though you were party hopping right alongside me.
This season, I’ve chosen to adopt a different approach. I refuse to perpetuate the façade that Fashion Month is a seamless affair as the industry so often portrays. Beneath the veneer of glamorous shows and extravagant parties lies an unspoken truth: we’re all faking it. Yes, you heard correctly: these fashion-hoes are, in fact, fashion-fauxs! Absolutely no one in New York, Milan, London or Paris knows what they’re doing. We’re just incredibly talented unpaid actors!
From the designers to magazine editors, PR girlies and front-row-lebrities, we’re all merely performing our way through things as best we can. The replicas we sell you, like a fake Dior dealer on Canal street, are tenuously held together at the seams by a fierce cocktail of Adderall and sugar-free Red Bull. Ultimately, everyone hashtagging from behind the velvet rope is simply their 10-year-old self — anxious and uncertain of their place in the room — striving to make it out alive, dreams-come-true in tact.
To truly dominate a Fashion Week and be everywhere, a la Julia, one must approach things with a sense of delusion so convincing that even the ultimate imposters cannot clock the charade. And so this year I’ve decided to gift you all with a complete guide on how I fake my way through New York, Milan, London and Paris Fashion Week (and beyond).
Week-before prep:
You won’t be able to storm through NYFW unless you’ve efficiently game-planned a full week beforehand. You’re first going to need to know the schedule (obviously). You can find this by literally googling “NYFW/PFW/MFW S/S 2025 calendar.” It’s truly that easy. Once you find out where and when you want to be, you’ll reach out to everyone you possibly know involved in fashion (or anyone adjacent like media, music, nightlife) to snag as many actual invites as you can. Start your request for an invite with an offer for a service. You must trick whoever you’re asking into thinking they’re actually scamming you. The variety of services offered are endless, so be creative and stand out.
Examples are:
- Making content for the brand
- Lying and saying you can do glam (if hired, just wing it!)
- Looking drop dead in the designer’s clothes
- Loaning your Girl-With-The-iPad services
- DJing the after party
- Bringing an A-List celebrity just for them to… oh no… cancel last-minute
- Posting to your very engaged 800K followers, but wait — fuck Zuck — because the day-of your instagram got hacked. I’ll have access to it again soon I swear!
- Offering a liquor sponsor for backstage and just stop at the liquor store beforehand
- Or… a mention in my monthly column for PAPER that gets millions of views. Sorry, I am unable to send a screenshot of the analytics, there’s a random glitch in the website today.
Whatever you can possibly think of that the brand would deem valuable, propose it. All you need is a photo at that show proving you got past the 6’2 bouncers that weren’t young enough to be cast in the show.
Now that you’ve gotten the invites, or at least know where you’re crashing, it’s time to plan the looks you’re going to turn. There’s two options: look queen extravaganza or all-black fashion chic. If you want an easier entrance, I’d recommend the first option. The wilder you dress, the more the PR Girl at the door (we will be mentioning her a lot in this guide, as she’s the mafioso of Fashion Month) will assume you’re someone important and let you right in, afraid of getting fired for asking a celebrity they can’t recognize what their name is. If you’re dressed like Chappell Roan and stomp straight to the front of the line with your nose in the air, odds are you’ll be let in immediately. Be sure to top your outfits off with matching sunglasses. The bigger the shades, the better. We need to cover as much as your nobody-face as possible and everyone knows important fashion people wear sunglasses 24/7. Eye-contact with plebeians? Egad! Master Level of prep would be to secure loaned outfits of each brand to wear at the show. If you can wear current season Marc Jacobs to the Marc Jacobs show, then you are top-tier of She’s-Supposed-To-Be-Here. If your income is disposable: buy the brand to wear. If your income is limited: use credit and return it after.
Lastly, and this isn’t to be shady, do some self-maintenance to look the best version of yourself as possible. Prep your hair, skin, nails and body specifically for this week. No, I don’t mean become a size zero and spend thousands on a makeover. What I do mean is do whatever it takes in order to feel your most fabulous. Confidence is everything and confident people are hot!
Faking it at the shows:
We’re all fabooshed and now it’s time to pump it. As said before, you’ll pull up to the show like you own the place. In fact, I think the designer that rented the venue from your rich uncle that doesn’t exist forgot to pay the rest of their deposit. Time to collect the money he’s owed or you’re shutting this fashion show down!
- Show up five minutes after the time listed on the invite. Arriving too early will risk you looking like you have nowhere more important to be (like a loser)! Arriving a tiny bit late will have the enigmatic PR Girl rushing you to the nearest seat, without having a chance to check if you belong there or not.
- Do not pose for street style photographers. Celebrities hate paparazzi (even though we call them).
- Do pose for in-house photographers and get their Instagrams afterwards. When asked to say your name into the microphone of the camera, always spell it after. “Linux. L-I-N-U-X.”
- Just before the show begins, PR Girl will likely say, “Uncross your legs, please,” so the models can walk and photographers on the risers get their shot. This leaves you with a fork in the road. Do you adhere to the rules and risk looking like a man, legs straight out? Or do you rebel and cross your legs anyways? This is your decision to make. (The real celebrities always keep their legs crossed and then uncross them really fast when they see PR Girl eyeing them).
- Only film the finale of the show when all the models walk together a second time, and then the designer comes out. The rest of the show your phone should be out away with you pretending to be interested.
- After the show, immediately stand up and follow the biggest celebrity in the room to the back of the venue so you can get a photo with the designer.
- On your way out, say to PR Girl at the door, “I’ll see you at the afters, right? Why does everyone keep saying Paradise Club? I thought it was at…” They will then correct you and tell you the actual address of the after party.
If you want to go to a second show but don’t have an invite, walk up to the photographer who took your picture before and say, “Where are you going next? Here let me get the Uber.” You now have immediate entry to wherever the next show is and you can have the photographer Airdrop you the photos in the car ride there.
Faking it at the parties:
Yes, fashion month pretends to be all about the shows, but the real ones know it’s all about the parties.
- Arrive at the parties exactly at start time. The door will let anyone inside at the beginning of the event to ensure the club isn’t empty when SJP arrives.
- Make best friends with the bouncers. When Jeff Bezos sends for security to kick you out, they’ll politely move you to another area rather than kicking you to the curb.
- If you’re alone, hang out in the smoking area. This is where the who’s who let their guard down, and will probably ask to bum a cigarette from you, making you God.
- If you choose to snack on the passed hors devours, have a fresh piece of gum handy after each bite. You don’t want to be talking to Austin Butler with each word smelling like tuna tartar!
- For a picture with a celebrity, have a friend you trust (works even better if it’s a photographer) walk up to the celeb and say, “Omg, Paris, let me get a shot of you guys real quick!” Jump in and bam, you now have a photo with Ms. Hilton and didn’t even have to ask.
- Never take a photo of a celebrity without their permission. You’ll out yourself as a party crasher immediately.
There are some clubs and bars that, regardless of the night, will definitely be hosting a big deal Fashion Week shindig. You’ll want to hit up places like Boom Boom Room, Silencio, The Box, Paradise Club, or Paul’s Baby Grand/Casablanca.
Things you can’t attend a fashion event without:
- Cellphone (duh)
- Matching purse and sunglasses
- Heels
- Adderall
- Xanax
- Gum and breath spray
- Cigarettes if in Europe, Vape if in America
- Mirror phone case to fix your makeup
- Lip gloss and lip liner
Celebrities who DO want you to talk to them:
Billie Eilish, Doja Cat, Kim Kardashian, Coco Rocha, Charli XCX, Goddison– oops, I mean Addison Rae, Shakira, Miley Cyrus, Noah Cyrus, Sofia Richie, Janet Jackson, Paula Abdul, Maye Musk, Julia Fox, Emily Ratajkowski, Gwenyth Paltrow, Emma Chamberlain, Any Bravolebrity, Lindsay Lohan, Timothee Chalamet, Law Roach, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lana Del Rey.
Celebrities who DON’T want you to talk them:
Madonna, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Ice Spice, Anya Taylor Joy, Nicky Hilton, Blake Lively, Beyoncé, Ashlee Simpson, Salma Hayek, Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, Anna Wintour, Olivia Wilde, Avril Lavigne, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Gabbriette, Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera, Lil Nas X, Cynthia Nixon, Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Emma Roberts.
Names you can drop to anyone anywhere that will immediately make the person think you’re definitely supposed to be there:
“Oh, I think we have a mutual friend in common! You also know my friend…”
- Casey at Mugler
- Christian (Just say Christian and you’ll be fine, they’ll finish the rest)
- Susanne Bartsch (Literally everyone has been to her parties at least once)
- My friends at Purple
- Tim at Karla Otto
- Richie Akiva
- Charli XCX (She’s literally somehow best friends with everyone)
- Justin Moran at PAPER
- Amanda Lepore
- Brandon Creed
- Brett Allen Nelson
- Tyrone Dylan
- Nicola Formichetti
- Mazurbate
- CT Hedden
- Mel at Interview
- Chloë Sevigny
- Emrata
- Andy Cohen
- Hari Nef
- Violet Chachki
- If you’re a visibly queer person, literally just lie and say you’re friends with RuPaul (You’ll be treated like royalty)
Feel free to mix and match!
The dreaded in-between:
Now here’s where the nightmare sets in (because everywhere we’ve been so far has been such a dream!) The last show of each day will typically be late afternoon with the corresponding afterparty not until 10/11 PM. This gives you a minimum of four hours stuck in the city with nothing to do. My advice is to find someone at the show to latch onto and grab dinner with. There’s a few spots in the city that are it-crowd hotspots, but are exceptionally sceney during NYFW. Head to places like SoHo Grand, Indochine, The Roxy Hotel or Balthazar for food. A meal in-between will give you plenty of time to harass those photographers, edit and post your content, all while gabbing and collecting intel on your next move. This is also where industry pillars let their guards down, allowing you to swoop in for the kill.
Social media hygiene:
Because that’s the only reason we even left the house!
- Post on your story immediately, and a main feed carousel post daily or every other day.
- Post any celebrity content on Twitter, it’ll go viral immediately.
- Do not talk badly about or critique any shows or parties online. This will get you blackballed.
- Get the Instagrams of every PR person you come across. Building these relationships will make next season that much easier.
- Do not drink or ingest drugs on your socials. You’re taking things super seriously, remember?
- Tag photographers or they won’t send you pictures early ever again. Or worse: they might even delete them!
- Never send an after-the-event “pleasure to meet you last night!” DM. A super-busy-fashion-girly would never have the time for that.
Photography and creative direction: Matt Woodruff
Art direction: Chris Correa
Dress: Christian Siriano
Photo assistant: Charles Pierce
This is What You Missed Last Month (According To Linux), in which nightlife it-girl Linux takes us behind the velvet rope and into the VIP section of Scene-City. Through her extreme (sometimes exaggerated) lens, Linux gives us the tea on what really happened at every party-of-the-century that floods our Instagram feeds. (A note from the…