So Chic, Very Chic: The Crucifixion of Angie K
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
Sometimes, after the club, when my pupils haven’t gone back to normal and the vodka soda makes me feel like I’m falling forward into my bed and my feet hurt but in a good way, I like to put on ancient history Youtube channels that tell me lies to fall asleep too.
During one particular trip down the rabbit hole, I learned about sin-eaters. I’m going to grossly oversimplify this for the sake of this column about what people wear on reality television, but they were a group of religious figures that would eat ceremonial meals to “take on” the sins of the recently deceased. Usually, they were poor or shunned by their communities, serving roles as energetic trash collectors to those with the coin to spare. Times have changed, and the practice has fallen out of use … until now!
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’s Angie Katsanevas takes quite the beating on social media, having been called just about every name antisocial gay guys and stay-at-home millennial moms can dream up while waiting for Postmates to deliver their Starbucks “trenta” Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Refresher. Yet still she gets up to work every morning, reposting Instagram stories in her Balenciaga catsuit and tweeting photos of the Greek flag. She absorbs the near-constant stream of notifications on social media like a ceremonial meal, taking on the metaphorical sins of the entire human race. At least, the ones that watch The Real Housewives.
It’s a tough job, often hopeless, paid with podcast appearances alongside former Extra! hosts and scathingly critical columns like this one, where we examine her outfits under a microscope. Shall we? There’s four franchises airing right now and a lot to get through!
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Angie Katsanevas
This has immediately been dubbed the worst confessional look of all time. That’s a tough sell, when Teresa Giudice and Vicki Gunvalson have been on television since I was in middle school. Sure, it should have been sleeveless, and sure, they should have steamed it, and sure, this being the one time she’s ever opted out of going with an updo is utterly confounding.
Sure! Throw those stones from inside the glass houses we all traipse around in, wearing our dirty Old Navy leggings and t-shirts from back during the last Bush administration. We’re all above this. We’ve never made a choice like it, and we’re infallible in our creative liberties. In fact, every single person on planet Earth is better than the lowly Angie Katsanevas; she is doomed to struggle around in the mood, doomed to feel herself crushed under the weight of our superior wardrobes.
Oh, weep for her! Weep for Angie Katsanevas, the sin-eater of Bravo.
Bronwyn Newport
This Moschino ensemble (just look at that purse and watch/choker) is a funny ensemble to chill at the spa. It’s a bit overkill, but everything about Bronwyn is overkill. Even her parenting skills! I mean, my God, have we ever seen a more well-adjusted and sensible mother on reality television? Even with the unnecessary styling flourishes, like the ring and aforementioned choker.
The Real Housewives of Potomac
Mia Thornton, Jacqueline Blake and Stacey Rusch
There’s a prayer that they teach you when you publish your first fashion blog. It’s written out on simple paper, but soon, with enough practice, the words can engrave themselves on your heart, granting peace in the darkness and strength through the tough times. It goes a little something like this: “O Fashion Police, and also Cathy Horyn, grant to me the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed, courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other through Law Roach, our Lord, Amen.”
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Jennifer Pedranti
Have we spoken about this dress yet? Like most things concerning Jennifer, her appearance in this column has diffused into a near-imperceptible nude haze. At least the reflective quality of her dress has solidified her human form long enough for me to get a proper look at her. And what a look it is! Unlike tougher outings earlier in the season, this Versace ensemble is exactly the vibe she should go for. Simple, fun and shinier than her hair.
That said, I’m going to need some contrast with her makeup, just to acquaint me with the concept of object permanence.
The Real Housewives of New York City
Jessel Taank and Brynn Whitfield
Look at our girls! They’re trying my patience this week, what with all their comments about fashion and Ubah’s attitude and the general friction they bring to any space they occupy. But these outfits made me giggle a bit — only because Brynn is committed to telegraphing that she’s a reader and a sports enjoyer, while Jessel has a US Open Pinterest board that has only gotten wackier over time. Basic outfits, but they fit the occasion! And besides, this is like when Luann and Jill Zarin played tennis, except Jessel has no title to carry that attitude and Brynn wishes she could bag carpet and fabric kingpin with a palatial storefront in Manhattan.
Jenna Lyons
I turned to my boyfriend last night while we watched our stories and I worked on this column, nonchalantly admitting to him: “I think Jenna Lyons is going to be my next wife.” I’d smoked a little, sure. It was 2 a.m., and neither of us could sleep. It was my third Real Housewives program that night. But still, now that the sun’s risen on my late night confession, I’ll say it again: Jenna Lyons, do you need a stay-at-home wife or long-distance girlfriend? Do you need someone to come over and put clothes on and tell stories about the fancy dinner parties you wore latex too? I can be a very good plus-one in your new electric Bentley and don’t mind walking the extra few blocks to the juice place where you like to pick up whatever new Keto/green/ionized protein potion has become the new thing. I can walk your dog just fine and am always primed to laugh at your kooky attitude. I promise I won’t sit in your chair that keeps breaking or tell you to throw away any of your shoes. Just a thought, really. Nothing but an idea I had. Let me know if it sounds like something you’d be interested in, please!
Ubah Hassan
Speaking of hot women in fetishwear, here’s Ubah with a nasty new confessional look. Unironically, I love this! Again, it helps that she’s indescribably beautiful, but the interplay between the top and silken jacket is doing something to me. And those shoulders! The glam! Her fishnet sleeves!
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal. Sometimes, after the club, when my pupils haven’t…