The Ultimate Fire Island Survival Guide (According to Linux)
On a North Atlantic sandbar just south of Long Island, a 1.5-mile community best described as “both heaven and hell on earth” awaits, as thousands of the World’s Most Debaucherous Gays™ swarm onto it like some sort of invasive species. Donning its iconic name from a shipwreck carrying Christmas trees in the 1800s and then surviving multiple fires after, the community goes by the name “Fire Island Pines.”
Odds are this is not the first time you’re hearing about the spot, and unless the island finally floods (as is predicted in the near future) it won’t be the last. What, with pop culture placement a plenty by way of acclaimed Fire Island film by Joel Kim Booster released back in 2022, the gay moguls like Calvin Klein and Andy Cohen who frequent there, or due to the less favorable reputation the island has online for merely being a tragic backdrop for shitty white muscle gays to be, well, shitty white muscle gays: Fire Island Pines is The Gay Mecca. Point blank, period.
As much as it is a destination for members of the queer community on a global scale, it also doubles as a hidden gem that New Yorkers are able to call their Gay Backyard. Off-season, the island has only a population of about 300 residents. During the busy months of May to September, the occupancy of Fire Island Pines, sometimes shortened to The Pines, reaches up to 4,000. That’s a lot of f-words.
What many fail to see beyond the island’s infamous party culture is the rich history that makes The Pines so sacred. We must remember that up until a few decades ago, being LGBTQ+ was illegal, and the gay population of New York City was forced into the shadows, otherwise at risk of severe police brutality and arrests. As a way to persist, when John B. Whyte purchased the Pines Hotel in 1959, gay men began flocking to Fire Island, and it soon became one of the only places in the world where homosexuality could exist [Ed. note: this is an exaggeration]. When a gay-majority society is assembled, as in The Pines, something truly fabulous happens. Bamboo imported from the forests of Asia was planted, more and more wooden cottages and boardwalks were constructed and a town-square-like harbor was curated to match the utopian vision necessary for gays to flourish in Fire Island Pines. These original gay settlers risked everything to keep the wolf from Fire Island’s door — a good-looking door at that.
Today, Fire Island Pines is, in its most simple form, a gay tourist destination; made perfect for visitors to enjoy an east coast summer away from the New York hustle while ingesting as many drugs as possible while fucking someone’s brains out.
My name is Linux, and I am the New York Downtown It-Girl. For years I have been publishing the wildest things and the people who do them happening at the greatest parties in the world. Whether it be Berghain or Coachella, odds are I was there and wrote about everything I saw exclusively for PAPER. Completely drained and burnt out from attending and documenting events 24/7, I decided it was time to treat myself with a legitimate summer vacation.
So, I did what any insane party-obsessed trans girl would do: I got some of my best friends together, and we went in on a summer share in Fire Island. Yes, you read that correctly: I spent an entire summer in Fire Island, so you don’t have to…but you probably should! (And I only got emergency air-lifted twice!)
That said, if an it-girl does something and doesn’t tell the world about it, then did it really happen?
With expert knowledge from my months-long excursion to The Pines, I’ve organized the Ultimate Fire Island Survival Guide. So make a cocktail and take a Cialis: as I tell you everything you need to know in order to slay one of the gayest party places on Earth!
Getting There
There are three ways to get to Fire Island from NYC: public transportation, a car, or, if you’re Joel Simkhai: helicopter. The last two options are pretty self-explanatory (and expensive) so my personal favorite is the first option. I love hopping on the Long Island Railroad and sprawling out in a row of seats as we head east (with zero traffic) to Sayville, NY. An off-peak train ticket will run you about $15. Be sure to take $40 out in cash before you get on the train, as you will need it for the rest of your trek. After getting off at the Sayville stop, you will head to one of the unmarked white vans parked just outside the train station. Hand the driver $6. He only takes cash and there is no ATM here, and ordering an Uber will take too long for what happens next. The van will take you seven minutes over to Sayville Ferry Station. Purchase a round-trip ferry ticket to Fire Island Pines (I say round-trip because you never know what will happen on the island, and you need to secure your return in case you spend all your money on drugs and male hookers, lose your wallet, etc.) You will now have about $15 and 15 minutes remaining in which you will spend ordering a cocktail at the Ferry Station’s connected bar, Mallory Square. Now you have a fierce alcoholic beverage to sip on as you board the ferry and set sail towards Gay Island. An easy way to see the full LIRR-Shuttle-Ferry schedule all in one place is an app called FerryFinder. It is like $2 but a total game changer.
Surviving There (in an iconic way)
Once you’ve set foot on the island, there are a few immediate errands one must run. (This doesn’t apply to day-tripping; in fact none of this article applies to day-trippers. Going to Fire Island for one day only is flop energy. If you’re going to pump it all the way to Fire Island, do it right and secure housing for at least one evening, even if it’s just a place to drop your bags. You can find housing through the island’s many realtors, last-minute options on the infamous “Boys of Fire Island” Facebook group — where hundreds of gays post shirtless pics and end up staying in a on-island mansion for free — by fucking for a spot, or just partying through the night long enough to catch the first ferry out the following morning.)
But back to the errands: The first thing you’ll want to do before getting to your house is stop at the Pines Liquor Store. Grab your spirit of choice, as well as (this is very important!) a bottle of the cheapest, driest twist-top white wine. The liquor can be consumed whenever, but the white wine should be refrigerated and remain sealed until sunrise the following morning. After a day-to-night-morning of hard partying, when all the drugs start to blend together; nothing hits quite like a 7 AM ice-cold glass of pinot grigio at sunrise. This is non-negotiable.
Your next essentials to ensure a top-quality experience can be found at the Pines Pantry. You will need a gallon of ice (in-house ice makers always run out by dinner time), a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and most importantly: gum.
The final errand will be a visit to the Canteen. Fire Island isn’t a race, it’s a marathon. You won’t be able to party 24+ hours without fuel, so you will need to eat. There are many menu items at the Canteen, but you have to get an order of the Canteen’s legendary chicken tenders. Priced at $19, the meal will burn a hole through your pockets (oh wait, this speedo doesn’t have pockets!) but they are definitely worth every penny. I mean, take a look at the Fire Island Chicken Tender Scandal of 2023, when Troy Maez (who most recently won Rosemont’s Most Annoying Twink Contest) stole and ate hidden chicken tender rations from a house party, which then turned into a nationwide internet scandal. No one can deny these tenders have crack in them; plus, your body needs protein or you’ll fall out before the sun even sets!
Now that you’ve gotten that out of the way, its time to drop your bags, change into your slutty little summer f-word outfit and pump it to the parties!
Parties You Just Can’t Miss
The Island hosts a plethora of events, both recurring and one-offs. Here is everything one must attend in order to claim your spot as the Fire Island Scene Queen.
If it’s a Friday, you’ll want to go to The Underwear Party at the Ice Palace, which is Daniel Nardicio’s venue in Cherry Grove, and one of the only places to go clubbing on all of Fire Island. There’s a small catch though, and that’s that it is located in Cherry Grove. The Pines’ lesbian neighbor, Cherry Grove, is just a five-minute boat ride over from Pines, with much better infrastructure. You’ll want to take the water taxi there on the earlier side. Once in Cherry Grove, you‘ll see a long line of gays leading up to Ice Palace. This is why I said to arrive on the earlier side. Another secret line exists at the back entrance of Ice Palace, which less people know about. Go around the building and get into this one for expedited entry. That said, it’s best to arrive by 11 PM or you won’t get in. One must go into The Underwear Party with an open mind. Yes, you’ll be surrounded by a slew of severely basic gays in Andrew Christian… but if you look at it from a Field Trip To The Zoo perspective, pop an E pill and focus on having fun, you’ll have the time of your life. The best spot to be within the party is on stage directly to the right of the DJ booth. Here there’s a large fan blasting on you, (it gets really hot, and if you don’t have Botox you will sweat!) a surface to set your drink, and a much less busy bar all in one place. The lounge chairs outside by the pool are perfect for when you need to cool off, have a cigarette and finally catch the name of the guy you’ve been making out with all evening.
By 3 AM it’s time to go. You’ve definitely heard whispers of a house party or beach party by now. We may have taken a water taxi to Cherry Grove, but your way back to The Pines is much more adventurous.
We will be returning to the Pines via the wooded path known as The Meat Rack. The original cruising spot of Fire Island, The Meat Rack is a spooky-ooky part-swamp-part-sand-dune middle world that connects Cherry Grove and Fire Island Pines. You’ll only want to travel this way with an experienced Meat Rack traveler. I’m being serious; attempting to voyage solo could get you killed. A charged phone with a working flash is also a necessity. The walk should take about 20 minutes — that is, if there isn’t a random pop-up beach party happening with Alexis Tucci and Joey With The Mustache DJing. These Meat Rack parties are where things really pop off.
What I saw at my most recent Meat Rack beach party is forever burned into my mind. On the perimeter of a crowd of about 200 people, a muscle gay asked if he could use my empty water bottle to pee in. I obliged… which I now regret. The man proceeded to whip his dick out and urinate a water bottle full of dark red piss. Upon seeing the blood-like hue of the liquid that was now in my empty Fiji bottle, my two friends and I ran away screaming like the three little piggies. I wish this wasn’t a true story.
Another time, I saw an orb-like table lamp as decoration at one of the makeshift seating areas on the sand, near the DJ booth. My friend, who I’d just met (and later took these photos) picked up the $15 Amazon lamp (for reference literally Google “orb lamp”) and started a bit (that would eventually last much longer than expected) that the lamp was “the orb” and had “the power of the universe within it.” For our entertainment, he would go up to people to scare them into actually thinking he believed the table lamp was a magic orb. The bit lasted so long that we ended up taking the lamp with us and leaving it in our Fire Island house. The next day at the harbor, my friend sent a photo of a wanted post that, alongside a photo of the lamp, said “Have you seen this orb?” I was so confused as to why someone would care that much about a genericLED lamp that costs less than a round-trip ferry ticket. Days after that I received a jarring DM on instagram from an account saying “the orb” was actually an urn (named Pearl) containing a small portion of their dead aunt’s ashes and they had brought “her” to the party so she could enjoy the music. Jaw on the floor, I dug through my house to find the dead aunt’s urn and returned it swiftly. I also wish this wasn’t a true story!
It was also at a Meat Rack beach party where I learned about two very insane things the gays have invented. One is called a “nump” or, a bump of drugs off someone’s nuts. Someone shouts “who wants a nump?” And everyone kneels around one Nump Top who serves those around them drugs off their testicles. The second thing is called a “birdbath.” A birdbath is when someone stretches their ball sack into a bowl-like shape. They then pour liquor into the ball sack bowl. A second person, known as the bird, slurps up the liquor from inside the ball sack. Everyone around cheers. If it has been a long night of dancing, and in turn the ball sack is sweaty, they call that “salt around the rim.” I bore witness to both, but did not take part in either… I swear!
Moral of the story: take the Meat Rack home. After a mini-schlep, you should be at a pretty cunt house party in no time. Now, there’s a few rules that one must remember when attending Fire Island House Parties. Rule #1: You’ll have to pay an entry fee. If the party is good, there will probably be a cover. A cover typically means the house party will have a full bar, working DJ booth and sound system, and plenty of attendees. Be prepared to pay up to $60 to some house parties. The best ones happen at fraternity-like staples like Froot Falls (formerly named “Viagra Falls”) and Reflections. Rule #2: Keep in mind that not only are you on vacation, but everyone is on vacation. This means no networking, no unwarranted photo/video taking and no annoying the gaylebrities you may see out. (Unless you’re me, and publishing it smack dab onto PAPER Magazine!) My fondest celeb run-in was in July when Adam Lambert cornered my friend Justin Justfan and me in an upstairs hallway, and began improv-riffing a song he had in that very moment made up: “This is the Hallway Jam! This is the Hallway Jam! Ooh Ooh Yeah Yeah Yeah! This is the Hallway Jam!” We still sing it to each other to this day. Rule #3: You must bring something to contribute to the party, whether it be alcohol, drugs, ice, cups, someone famous or a better DJ than the one currently playing.
Once the sun begins to rise, you’ll notice the crowd start to clear or the vibes starting to get more intimate. This means it’s time for Sexy Afters… or better known as: an orgy. As previously stated I am both a public figure and a doll, and Sexy Afters are no place for a lady! You can stay and freak it if you want, but it’s time for me to head home with my crew and pop open that bottle of wine!
If its a Saturday you are going to bypass the commute to Cherry Grove and stay local. The Pavillon right on the harbor has incredible DJs all summer long, and their Saturdays are extremely special. The can’t-miss All Night Long set that happens twice every summer is that of NY’s very own Ty Sunderland, where he combines house, pop and his originals to give a packed dance floor in Fire Island some of the best music they’ve heard.
After that, follow the same format of house party to sexy afters and/or wine sunrise.
If its a Sunday you’re in for a real treat. One Sunday per month, the New York art residency BOFFO throws a beach party called Boffo Sound Sundays with some of the most talented DJs in NYC. From May 14 to September 21, Boffo-goers can not only appreciate a rotation of curated artists and their work, but also on occasion can catch the likes of Makadsi, Alexis De La Rosa, Memphy, Raisa Flowers and JD Samson. BOFFO is one of the last remaining contributors to The Pines on a cultural level.
☆4TH OF JULY WEEKEND: INDEPENDANCE☆
The biggest weekend of every summer in Fire Island is 4th of July weekend. While there are plenty of pool parties that occur during the holiday week, the star (pun intended) of the show is Independance. Produced by Ultramoon in collaboration with Guy Smith (the production legend who installed the light and sound for 3 Dollar Bill back when it was Sutherland), Indepedance is the island’s longest-running dance benefit to date. Each year, Guy Smith’s team of muscle twinks build a multi-story day club with a massive crowd to match. The theme this year was Cher-Nobyl, with music by Scott Martin, The Illustrious Blacks and Someone From Berlin. Take it from Someone Who Went Everywhere On The Island And Lived To Tell The Story (barely) — this is the only way to celebrate summer in Fire Island.
☆AUGUST 9-11 WEEKEND: PINES PARTY☆
Literally holding Fire Island down, Guy Smith keeps the party going just a month later at what is The Most Iconic Party To Grace Fire Island: Pines Party. All weekend long, Pines Party hosts a calendar full of events, leading up to the headline event: The Beach Party.
Quick history lesson (that I gave when I covered the weekend back in summer ‘22): The Beach Party dates back to Beach ‘79, a fundraising party that then in 1983 turned into The Morning Party, a yearly event sponsored by the Gay Men’s Health Crisis. Until 1998, GMHC threw The Morning Party in an attempt to raise money towards a cure for AIDS, which at the time was violently ripping through the gay community. Stigma and bad press ended The Morning Party that year, but that’s when, in 1999, the Pines Party was born.
Every summer since, the Fire Island beach has been transformed into a full-on festival-grade event with a full-on theme to match. Past themes I’ve attended include Toon Island, Island of Lost Boys, Through the Looking Glass and Time Machine. This year the weekend did not disappoint, with its theme being “Galactic Rodeo.” The party, filled with aliens in western gear, cowboys in spacesuits and a lot of nearly-naked men, runs from dusk well into dawn. DJ Massimiliano Pagliara headlined (great choice). The climax of the Pines Party Beach Party is when we make it until sunrise, as the greeting of a new day represents rebirth and the forward motion we all move in together through life. I’ve also heard that word play of “morning” coincides with “mourning,” and that it serves a ritual for partygoers take time to remember the gay ancestors that we’ve tragically lost to AIDS. There’s an older gay couple I see every single year at Pines Party who’ve been attending since the very first Morning Party. Together, the three of us sit and talk for hours and I get the privilege of hearing about their fondest memories and names of those they’ve lost. This year’s Beach Party finale-d around 6 AM with a piano rendition of ABBA’s “Winner Takes It All” by famed pianist ad performer, Micah.
Needless to say, this is much more than a circuit party — if you can even call it that. As with all things on Fire Island, when you take a moment push deeper into the second hole, one finds there’s meaning attached to nearly everything that goes on there.
Save the date, because next year’s Pines Party weekend occurs August 1 to 3, 2025 — and I heard the next theme is beyond major!
After only a few short months spent escaping my reality through Fire Island — and with fall quickly approaching — I’d noticed that while slightly getting lost in the Fire Island Sauce, my real life back in New York was impatiently awaiting The Downtown It-Girl’s return to Scene City. The daily temperature of 90 degrees has tanked to a brisk 72, while the loud bustle of the harbor has quieted down. And although I probably partied five years off of my life, I have no regrets.
On the last ferry headed back to Long Island on this late Sunday night, I turn back to get one last glance at Cherry Grove and The Pines, the flickering light emitting from the neighboring communities like an island on fire. Taking with me memories of the greatest summer of my nearly three decades of life, I now pass this fiery torch onto you, my readers, in hopes that you too can burn through the sandbar that is Fire Island Pines.
Creative direction and photography: Matt Woodruff
Additional photography: Martin Cohn
Art direction: Chris Correa
Hair: Sean Bennett
On a North Atlantic sandbar just south of Long Island, a 1.5-mile community best described as “both heaven and hell on earth” awaits, as thousands of the World’s Most Debaucherous Gays™ swarm onto it like some sort of invasive species. Donning its iconic name from a shipwreck carrying Christmas trees in the 1800s and then…