So Chic, Very Chic: Dog Days of Bravo
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
Last night was the big ol’ party for PAPER’s 40th anniversary issue. Did anyone read ‘em all yet? I’ve heard they’re quite good! I would know, considering.
I’m currently up in my hotel room the next morning, rotting under the covers while my body slowly turns into a sentient pile of leftover halal food. (Thanks friend of the mag, Ashley Reese!) I’m aware there is a column to write, and it will certainly get written, but how quickly is a matter that’s yet to be decided. Not by me, of course. I have no control over the energetic properties of this space. That, my dears, is the sole domain of the overlords at Bravo.
We’re currently trapped in what’s colloquially known as “post-Labor Day Bravo.” It’s much like the vorfreude that heralds the end of spring, as the summer crests the horizon, when nothing’s on television but reruns of Below Deck and spin-offs of Southern Charm that don’t get picked up for second seasons. Here in the final hours of summer, Bravo’s dreary schedule is scarce: the lackluster season finale of The Real Housewives of Dubai and an intoxicating new episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County. This dichotomy makes for a heady drought that does little to quench my thirst and mostly makes my current hangover worse.
But I will endure, like this magazine that so graciously employs me. I will persist through September, knowing that new seasons of New York, Salt Lake City, Beverly Hills, and Potomac are on the horizon. I’ll wish for times like these, in the future somewhere, when I’m overwhelmed with Fendi prints and Bottega Veneta bags and fake Versace dresses.
40 years? How about 40 hours, when my work week starts all over again. Hell, even 40 minutes, when I can finally crawl out of bed to get some cheap Dunkin’ coffee at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.
Shall we?
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Emily Simpson, Gina Kirschenheiter, Tamra Judge, Katie Ginella
The cast had to dress up like Peacock’s The Traitors this week, which is based on a UK show with the exact same premise: People gather in a remote Scottish castle to play an elaborate murder mystery game. Now, famous people like Tamra are involved, which is just about the worst thing to happen to this cast in quite some time, considering she made them don tartan and plaid and silly little hats. I’ve not much to say about Tamra and Katie’s outfits because they look quite normal. Mostly, I’ve included the group photo to illustrate how costume-y Emily and Gina look when put around the rest of this cast. If Tamra and Katie are The Real Housewives of Orange County, Emily and Gina are their evil facsimiles, printed off-center on the label for a costume stuffed in a plastic bag at the Halloween store.
Vicki Gunvalson
Ol’ Vicki’s SEO rankings are way up as of late, considering those ill-fated Longlegs memes everyone made about her. Not nice, people! She’s also back on television, for better or worse, and has a new face to mark the occasion. Looking good, girl! I’m what could be described as the opposite of a fan for this outfit and am still hungover just enough to forget what that’s called. That said, she looks more beautiful than I remember, even if the filter they have over blends her skin into the hair into the rug into the dress. The end result is one big puddle of overly color-corrected sequins and extensions.
Oh, a hater! I remember now.
The Real Housewives of Dubai
Caroline Brooks
This outfit is quite illustrative of the disconnect I feel towards Brooks’ fashion sensibilities. It’s always just a bit too much, right? There’s one too many necklaces, one too many bracelets, one too many elements to her makeup, one too many buttons on her coat, one too many vases in the background. It’s like she believes the more she layers, the individual prices will add up to a high enough amount to justify wearing them next to the couture on display from her contemporaries. She hasn’t quite succeeded in that attempt just yet, but there’s always the reunion!
Caroline Stanbury
Speaking of someone who needs to take a long, hard look in her glam team’s eyes, Miss Caroline Stanbury showed up to the final episode with even more ostrich feathers. Between her and Ayan this season, I wouldn’t be shocked to hear that the number of bald birds in the world spiked to about three million. It’s just dreadful, isn’t it? From the all around eyeliner to the lob to the pastel blue to the self-tanner, I can’t quite land on a solid opinion that isn’t just screaming out my hotel window. Sorry! I didn’t get much sleep last night.
Chanel Ayan
I tried to get the ID on this dress and couldn’t nab it from Chanel in time, which probably means it was custom-made for her, or my sleuthing skills haven’t woken up just yet. Regardless, this is one of the more overtly playful looks we’ve seen on Chanel this season, tigers and cats and ball gowns at golf be damned. What’s particularly delightful about it, however, is that she wore it to make what was likely a brief phone call between other, more important scenes. Such an impactful dress (and in an all-white room at that), and it amounts to nothing more than filler. Truly, nobody else has ever or will ever do it like this glamazon.
Caroline Stanbury and Chanel Ayan
These two have formed an unlikely alliance between them this season, which I find quite cunning and savvy. They are the clear leads of the show, no matter how loud fans online might get otherwise, and are necessary to keep it moving into the future. That their friendship also caused enough drama to make this lackluster episode watchable is also a bonus. As for the fashions, I quite enjoy that they dressed up like Disney princesses, an effect bolstered by the kitschy, hideous decor around them. Sure, Dubai is supposedly an enclave of wealth and war criminals and human rights abuses, but it’s also home to some of the worst home interiors I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Sara Al Madani and Saba Yussouf
Speaking of fundamental opposites, these two love to show up to functions together dressed like they’re at fundamentally opposite events. Sara’s attempted regality this season with the headbands and jewelry, and I’ve largely been a fan! This entire ensemble is mostly derivative Dolce & Gabbana, the golden days of yesteryear long lost to the winds of poor business decisions and loser designers.
Saba, meanwhile, needed this season to see how heavy handed her glam team went on blush and lips. I’m interested to see how she scales it back next season while also evolving, hopefully in a direction where I can’t see her bustier underneath the illusion lace.
Nina Ali
Nina was an original cast member on this show and was demoted to something even worse than a “friend of” role. No idea why, but I think she provides a necessary balance to things and can certainly dress the part. This look is exquisite. Actually, it’s the platonic ideal of what I dreamed this show would look like in the beginning!
Photos courtesy of NBCUniversal/Bravo
This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal. Last night was the big ol’ party for…